Dedicated to the many great optimists that sign up for fictitiously written
governmental opportunities and dedicate themselves to visions that retirement
will someday bring repose to their wretched belabored lives
to either die shortly after their retirement after spending
a lifetime waiting for better lives and better times, or
live a decrepit life of alzheimers, arthritis, or other old age dis-ease.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Synopsis- Days in the life of a suffered Government worker
ACT ONE: the hiring panel
ACT TWO: welcome to the job the first day
ACT THREE : you want what?? When??
ACT FOUR: the Handicapped Division
ACT FIVE : Training the new boss
ACT SIX: Sexual Harrassment and the secretary
ACT SEVEN: The Holiday Party!!
ACT EIGHT: the new guy
ACT NINE: what pay increase was that?
ACT TEN: the box.
ACT ELEVEN: I need to inventory how many of those??
ACT TWELVE: I need a raise, boss!
ACT THIRTEEN: whatıs missing from the file cabinet??
ACT FOURTEEN: the computer repairman/ greasing the printer head
ACT FIFTEEN: the power outage
ACT SIXTEEN: its cheaper this way /the Takko theory of economics.
ACT SEVENTEEN: the boss is watching us
ACT EIGHTEEN: meet the ³consultant²
ACT NINETEEN: the stalker
ACT TWENTY : You call that ³qualified²??
THE CAST
³MR G² TED GNOKSIS, the mafia man
Wife- the off stage voice of Mr Treebot
Mr Treebok unknown foreigner, main character
STANLEY the clerk
Weeda the secretary
Juanito Oyay Cuban cigar smoking boss
Dick the assistant
Jimette the accountant
Mrs Peters & Mrs Rorigez interviewers
Miss Whiz telephone clerk
[telephone characters]
Chikita black militant girl
Caller One nasty neighborhood bully
Caller Two - child
Caller Three the stalker
ACT ONE, introduction
[ our scene shows a telephone up close it rings a hand comes out and answers it and you hear:]
WIFE[w]: Honey, you have a telephone call!
Mr Treebot [t]: WHO IS IT?
W: someone from the City of Havamami.
T: you tell them I already paid that ticket!
W: no she says itıs about a job..
T: she doesnıt like her job??
W: no, about your new job
T: What new job??
W: from the employment agency when you filled out for unemployment last year.
T: OKAY, I talk to this person
[into the tele]
T: Okayp.. who am I talking to?? Mrs Peters??? Hello Mrs Peters, how are your toes today?? WHAT? Whatıs sexual harassment? OH! You have a course for your employees. Donıchu worry I will study for that course and try HARD so, what do you want?? I have an interview with the City of Havamami ?!?! why? Oh.. my unemployment ran out and I am in new WELFARE TO WORK PROGRAM??? How nice?? When?? I shall see you then
[ he breaks out into SONG, ³could this be opportunity?²]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
[.. our scene opens into a room where an interview panel sits talking among themselves, as the candidate enters.]
Mrs Peters[ P]: Gee I hope these interviews donıt take so long
Mrs Rorigez[ R] :oh truly. I need to get back to my desk so I can keep waiting for my project funds. Going on nine months now
P: is your department out of money?
R: oh, no.. they just spent the money for our new computers on painting the bosses toilet. He didnıt like the old color so we painted it last week. Now weıre waiting for the state to send money for the homeless so we can buy the new computers to count the money we donıt spend.
P: will they be blue??
R: no, mauve
[the door opens, in comes the first candidate, Mr Treebot]
Mr Treebot [T] : ( in eastern/Russian Mexican accent) Hello you crazy women you!
P: please have a seat, sir. My name is Mrs Peters. Iım with your new department!
R: And I am Mrs Rorigez. Iım used to be with personnel. Now Iım with human resources. Welcome! Tell us, what do we call you?
T: you can call me anytime!
P: sir donıt try to be funny.. thatıs not allowed.
T: SHAZBAT! OY! No! my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebotmy mother, sheıs a lovely woman. When she had me, she told my father, I shall have this child anytime. And thatıs what she named me. ANYTIME!
P: Mr Treebot, thank you for that.. may we start?
T: What did you have in mind you wanna start?? a race? A new thing?? Fashion perhaps??
P: NO sir, this interview..
T: well, babooshka, we can start that too, you know??
R: One more time, sir, what should we call you??
T: My wife calls me crazy.
R: Sir, we are here to interview you.
T: so, what are you waiting for?? So far, all you do is chit chat. No mas chit chat!
P: lets try this a different way, for our records sir, what is your name??
T: listen, foolish ones I have puts my name on the paper in front of you wha? You cannot read?
R: sir you being are difficult.
T: NYET!! That is my brother, Difficult Treebot my mother, as she was having him, she say,²THIS IS DIFFICULT² so my father named him DIFFICULT PARIS OYE SANCHO QUE PANZA STEINBERG TREEBOT. He is very handsome so I am flattered. But I am not him. I can call him for you if you like.
P: I think we should go on to the rest of the interview..
R: You are right.
P: tell us about your education, sir.
T: I was the highest student in my school. In sixth grade I was two inches taller than everyone else..
R: No sir.. where did you go to school??
T: I went to school behind the tree not far from the town square in my village.
R: Did the school have a name?
T: It was the school of the immaculate buck
P: OH DEAR!
T: no, not a dear! A buck!
R: Did you graduate?
T: I graduated the sixth grade like everybody else.. after I learned the gazintas..
P: the what??
T: the gazintas??
R: what are those?
T: two gazintas four two times, three gazintas nine three times..like that
P: did you go to high school??
T: yavole!! It was great, a lot of the wimmin folks..
R: how long were you there ??
T: a week, when the security guy discovered me in girls locker room selling towels and massaging body lotion and they kicked me out
P: Mr Treebock.
T: NO! my name is TREEBOT! TREEBOT! Please do not make fun!
P: Mr Treebock, did you go to college
T: Every Tuesday!!
R: What did you study?
T: the women at the school bar.
P: Did you get a diploma from a college??
T: Several.
R: What were they in??
T: Well, I took my roommates agriculture diploma, and his girlfriendıs law degree, in a poker game..
P: Sir, you are wasting our time.
T: Hey, YOU CALL ME, OK LADY! You ask question.. I answer question.. what is your problem?? No sex this morning??
P: Sir, this is sexual harassment
T: I thought it was interview, so, what did you have in mind??
R: Letıs go on. shall we, Mrs Peterson.
P: Okay sir, we will give you a scenario and you tell us what you do. Are you ready??
T: What is this you give me now??
R: A scenario..
T: will it hurt??
P: no, sir we just describe something that could happen and you tell us what you would do
T: Okay, then. Very well!
R: Well then, here goes.. you are a man in a stockroom handing out eggs and tools to workers. You run out of egg. Big shot boss comes in and wants egg. Do you:
#1 tell him to go buy his own egg, or #2 tell him to come back later on different day when you are not here, or #3 call the supervisor..
T: I take all the eggs, make an big scramble for everyone Now everybody has egg.
P: now for the second question you are working in the hospitality table and a nice lady wants white wine but you only have red wine for connoisseurs
T: what is this condom sewer??? Why you have condoms in your sewers??
P: no sir not condom sewer, its connoisseurs. People that like wine
T: oh, wino!
R: lets finish the question
T: the answer is 276.
P: SIR??
T: that is your answer! Next question
P: now, this is your comprehension test.. this is a pencil sir, and a crayon, and a pen. Now, we want you to draw a line with the pencil, a circle with the crayon, and a square with the pen. We will time you for two minutes to accomplish this test.. are you ready??
T: READY TREEBOT is my cousin.. please do not confuse us
P: Oh Dear!
T: Are you starting with that again??
R: Mr Treebot, on a count of three you may start.
T: wait! The pencil I do not like it is number 3. I use number 2..
R: Its OK. Use that one.
P: 321. Start your test..
[after 30 seconds]
T: I did your testhere it is.. {hands the test over}
P: Letıs see. Oh lord! Sir, you drew a monkey on an airplane.
T: look, the circle is there, so is the line and the square.
R: Well, sir, that ends the interview process. We will be checking your references and other information, and evaluating your application in the next two days and shall call you if you start with a starting date. Do you have any questions?
T: Yes, how many breaks can I have.
P: You get a fifteen minute breaks at 10:00 am and 2:00 pm, and lunch will be from 12:30 to 1pm
T: not good enoughI need an hour in the afternoon for nap, and thirty minutes in the morning for exercise of my eyebrows. They are falling upon me in my old age, yıknow!
R: we are sorry sir, those are the breaks.
P: this concludes our interview. Have a nice day, sir!
[ he walks out of the door they stay]
[end of interview]
[the secretary, Weeda, is sitting at her desk working.. the door opens and in comes mr T]
T: hello mushkins!! I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebotmy mother, sheıs a lovely woman. When she had me, she told my father, I shall have this child anytime. And thatıs what she named me. ANYTIME! And you too! You can call me Anytime, too, or you can call Cheecho. SO, who are you??
Weeda [w]{new yawk accent}: Iım the secretary, Weeda. Iıve been here forever. Before Christ landed on America and discovered it.. I guess youıre the new employee, huh?
T: oh, yaza.. thatıd be me okidoki!!
W: well, chico, you need to fill out all these papers for health insurance, life insurance, disaster insurance, wife insurance, the INS and IRS, the state revenue department, the four unions..
T: ONIONS?? Four onions?
W: no unions! Plus thereıs forms for your death beneficiaries.
T: why I got to do with dead fisheries??? Thatıs my cousinıs business I swear I had nothing to do with that. I paid my debt to society!........
W: no, no, no, no, no! death beneficiaries are the people that live after you
T: well they can work for themselves, the lazy munyons. I wonıt be around anywayswhyıs I gotta work for them now??
W: anyways, thereıs those, plus forms for your driver license, your company ID, your next of kin
T: my next king?? What are you saying? I queer?? How can you tell I mean, no way, crazy I have no king..
W: no, silly, KIN is your family, like who we call if you get hurt..
T: you call hospital!!.. my family gots no doctors, why you bother them??
W: probably for the moneysomeone has to pay. Now, thereıs these payroll forms, security forms, drug testing.
T: what drug testing?? What drug do you want me to test???
W: No, silly, its to see if youıre had any drugs
T: hey, why you no ask me?? Why I gotta study and take this test for these drugs you want me to take??
W: we donıt want you to take drugs, sir. Its just a blood test
T: I have to study blood now, too?!?!
W: No, a nurse will collect a little blood and send it to be checked to see if youıve taken any drugs..
T: I said you got no need I give you the list : I take phenylalalalalalalameen, ascorbic acetyleamine, xanax, manax, tranax, chitongiluticus maximus, prenalit ammonium, vitamins B,C,D,E, and P, and ginseng patches.
W: OH MY!
T: what? You too??
W: no,no,no.anyways, you take all those papers, fill them out, and report to personnel at the northern end of the second floor of the third building in the east part of the parking lot. They will schedule you for a physical and the rest of your process. Now, you run along and weıll see you on Monday morning at 8AM. Have a nice day now, cheecho!
T: OKAY little one.. I shall return
[ door opens and he leaves.}
[scene opens with a telephone ringing on a desk.. a hand reaches out to answer it..]
T: HOLA!! Welcome to the city of Havamami.how da hell can we help you??
PHONE VOICE [ heard on background]{PH}: (in spanglish) OYE MONINA!! What it is??!!
T: HELLO! HELLO!
PH: OYE YOU!
T: this is the City of Havamami. Can I help you??
PH: say bro, its me, whatıs the deal.. did you get the stuff??
T: what stuff? Who is this? What are you talking about?
PH: say man. This is me, man, the dude. You know last week I gave you the money for you to get the stuff did you get it yet??
T: I am very sorry sir. I am new here. My name is my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebot you can call me Anytime, or you can call me crazy but my family knows me as CHEECHO. Today is my first day on the job and the receptionist is sick so today I am the humble person dedicated to the wonderful people that call.
PH: hey bud. So jonny no longer works there??
T: who??
PH: jonny?? The blond kid that wore green boots and a red kilt to work !!
T: I do not know such a person..
PH: I gave jonny $500 to get me my stuff..
T: Maybe you want to talk to the boss, Mr Juanito Oyay possible he knows something..
PH: NO! NOT HIM!
T: I am sorry sir I cannot help you then..
PH: what about my money??
T: if you have money you can send it to me and I shall spend that on walnuts for displaced soviet gays.
PH: what the hell?? No man, I want the money.
T: of course you want the money.. I want the money too my mother, sheıs a wanting the money. My exwife, she take the money.. my lawyer, sheıs a take the money the IRS, it also wants the money.. what makes you different, huh wise guy?? We all want money. You wait in line like anyone else?? What ? you think you born with eleven toes and three balls??
PH: Iım getting pissed..
T: well, go to the bathroom, man! Iıll wait for you to piss..
PH: NO NO NO!!!! Are you nuts??
T: No, I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebot. I told you that already..
PH: whereıs jonny??
T: how should I know?? ask his mother..
PH: you think youıre funny huh??
T: no but my children do.. I no understand. I try to be serious and they laugh they say, ²poppa please donıt rap².. my wife, she laugh too. In bed!! Oh my god! What can I do??
PH: someone actually hired you! Thatıs incredible.
[sound of an incoming telephone line ringing]
T: I must put you in hold for second. [ puts the caller on hold]
T: HOLA! Welcome to the city of Havamami! How can we help??
[different voice on phone, female}V2: good morning!
T: good morning to you too!
V2: how are you?
T: I am fine, thank you for asking.and how can I help you?
V2: that is such a great question.
T: Okayp, I glad you like my question now whatıs yours??
V2: my question is , where have you been all of my life??
T: I have been everywhere for many years.. Vietnam, California, new york , Australia..
V2: Are you always like this??
T: no, sometimes I sleep.
V2: I mean this much fun??
T: only when awake
V2: Oh God!
T: please, only my wife allowed to call me that.she paid my family two dozen sheep, five goat and a GNU for the priviledge.. Now what do you want??
V2: I want to do whatever you like
T: good pass by Saturday and you help us paint the house naked so our clothes not get dirty..
V2: not like that
T: fine wear your clothes.
V2: thatıs not how I want to help
[sound of telephone buzzer]
T: I sorry, other phone call is coming in.. I put you on hold for a second
HOLA!! This is the City of Havamami.whatıs your beef??
[third phone voice]V3: yo
T: who??
V3: yo
T:hello??
V3: yo!
T: is there someone there??
V3: I said, YO! What, you donıt hear??
T: Of course I am here.where are you?
V3: I am here, too..
T: How comes I donıt see you here.
V3: listen, we got a bunch of garbage next to our house
T: so celebrate!! Lots of garbage means you have so many things you can throw some out, so you are a lucky Guido, you are!!! In my country we have garbage party to give this away.. so, when is your party??
V3: ya shmuck. I want yaıs to pick this up.
T: how nice! You are offering me to pick up these things that are too many for you.
V3: no, beast of burden.. can you understand??
T: Only when my mother talks..my wife mumbles too much.
V3: no. we need a garbage truck to pass by.
T: you wait one week and it always passes by.
V3: we need this taken care of yesterday..
T: yesterday is over, little man.. wait for next week.
V3:listen, fiend, I know the mayor
T: you know who??
V3: the mayor!
T: mayor headache??
V3: hey wise guy.. Iım going to call the mayor
T: his telephone number is 222.222.2221, can I patch you in??.
V3: no I need a garbage truck..
T: we all need somethingyou wanna buy the truck??
V3: jesus.!!
T: no! I am not this jeezuz.. I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebot my kids call me cheecho
V4: who cares?
T: my momma, you sungamabitch..
V4: do I have to go down there??
T: ask your mother. Ask the mayor ask Jesus Christ..
[sound of tele buzzer]
T: I got another call so please hold. [puts him on hold]
[Scene fades..]
SCENE FOUR: the Handicapped Division
[the scene opens with Mr T at the the desk, as the door opens and a man limps in]
T: Hello, hombre..
DICK [D]{Jamaican accent}: hey. My name is dick.
T: hello, rick.
D: no, its DICK
T: okay dickey..
D: no, do not talk me DICKEY!!
T: I shall call you nervous!! What do you need?
D: NEED??NEED?? NEED?? {raps}I tell ya what I needs: I need a new wife, I need a new life, I need a new car, I need a kickinı bar, I need a new face, I need a better place, I need for God to look down upon me and smile at me, and make my life brand new
T: so ya want God to kill ya?? Can I help?
D: whereıs Weeda??
T: sheıs out sick today she call to say she in hospital.. something about having a baby..
D: but she wasnıt pregnant.
T: thatıs not my business, bud. How she has her children is her problem. So, whatıcha need?
D: I need an accident form. I just had an accident . I hit my leg on the mandimbula I feel pain.
T: is that all your feeling??
D: NO I feel like a nineteen year oldbut I canıt find one to cooperate..
T: yıthink yer funny, huh, now do ya??
D: not really but my three wives do
T: ya have three wives?? Oneıs more than enough for me
D: I needs three women I canıt find one that will let me sleep over for more than two days at a time, so I have three so to last the week. Its okay, thoughtheyıre all cousins.. I guess Iım just too much man for one woman..so I make the sacrifice and help the women until they finds real husbands.. but its rough cause theyıre like really big ladies with a lot of lovin and most guys cannot deal with all the smothering me, I was raised by my eleven aunties, three sisters and eight grandmothers.. my granddads had lots of wives so now I have lots of grannies..
T: ya talk too much. Waddya do for us here???
D: as little as I can get away with..
T: No man, whatıs yer job??
D: oh, Iım the blind auctioneer for the Deaf Society.
T: you in the ³dead society²???? ya look and smell like it ,boy,you do
D: NOT DEAD, ya dread-head!! DEAF! D! E! F!
T: You can spell, too, I see Good for ya. Ya got past the second grade I can tell
D: So give me my form, new person. Say whatıs yer name??
T: my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebot.
D: Holy Santa Rosa deleCastillo Conchale Madre Mia.. thatıs a hell on a moniker.
T: My peoples jusı call me CHEECHO..
D: tres appropriate
T: just donıt call me late for bed..the wife locks the bedroom door after 9pm and doesnıt care which side Iım on..
D: so welcome to the handicapped division of the city of havamami evıryone here has some small dilemma. We have Dagbetto who has the bad neck. From fighting with roosters and the wife.. we had Lalalina who fell from her chair while sleeping on the job and wound up paraplegic.. so she sued and won for us giving her a chair that would fall like that. We had El Calbito.. strained his arm from smoking cigarettes on the job.. he sued for being allowed to smoke and won so we had to hire an assistant for him because of his disability and she quit because her little hands got tired too quickly.
.
T: Ainıt nothing wrong with me, partner.
D: not yet, yer too newgive it time.
T: OKAY, ya they tells me ya get forms 3a, 7g, 12a, c, and f, 27, 39, and 412a
D: All that for one accident??
T: Oh no! thatıs just to make the appointment for the clerk to find the day for you to come have your thing looked at by the sickness committee they will decide if you are just a liar lookingı for days off or if it a real deal.. then you gotta meet with the risk manager to see if we can afford your illness or have to fire you, the disease control specialist so you donıt spread your foreign disease, the health insurance companyıs representive to find out how places you cannot go to or doctors you cannot see, the life insurance rep to see how much to give yer family if we bury you, then meet with the controller to determine if you have sick days off, then you have to send three notarized doctors excuses to the clerk in the insurance office..
D: OH JESUS!
T: NO, thatıs not me..its my cousin..
D: I gots to do all that??
T: and before noon today.its now 11:10 AM. Go hurry up..
D: bye bye..
T: Good luck to ya.
[limping man leaves room end of scene]