AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MUNICIPAL WORKER

A musical comedy
By I. B. Exploited, esq.
Version 1.3 07/07/03

Dedicated to the many great optimists that sign up for fictitiously written
governmental opportunities and dedicate themselves to visions that retirement
will someday bring repose to their wretched belabored livesŠ
to either die shortly after their retirement after spending
a lifetime waiting for better lives and better times, or
live a decrepit life of alzheimers, arthritis, or other old age dis-ease.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Synopsis- Days in the life of a suffered Government worker

ACT ONE: the hiring panel
ACT TWO: welcome to the job ­ the first day
ACT THREE : you want what?? When??
ACT FOUR: the Handicapped Division
ACT FIVE : Training the new boss
ACT SIX: Sexual Harrassment and the secretary
ACT SEVEN: The Holiday Party!!
ACT EIGHT: the new guy
ACT NINE: what pay increase was that?
ACT TEN: the boxŠ.
ACT ELEVEN: I need to inventory how many of those??
ACT TWELVE: I need a raise, boss!
ACT THIRTEEN: whatıs missing from the file cabinet??
ACT FOURTEEN: the computer repairman/ greasing the printer head
ACT FIFTEEN: the power outage
ACT SIXTEEN: its cheaper this way /the Takko theory of economics.
ACT SEVENTEEN: the boss is watching us
ACT EIGHTEEN: meet the ³consultant²
ACT NINETEEN: the stalker
ACT TWENTY : You call that ³qualified²??

THE CAST

³MR G² ­ TED GNOKSIS, the mafia man
Wife- the off stage voice of Mr Treebot
Mr Treebok ­ unknown foreigner, main character
STANLEY ­ the clerk
Weeda ­ the secretary
Juanito Oyay ­ Cuban cigar smoking boss
Dick ­ the assistant
Jimette ­ the accountant
Mrs Peters & Mrs Rorigez ­ interviewers
Miss Whiz ­ telephone clerk

[telephone characters]

Chikita ­ black militant girl
Caller One ­ nasty neighborhood bully
Caller Two - child
Caller Three ­ the stalker

ACT ONE, introduction
[ our scene shows a telephone up closeŠŠ it ringsŠŠ a hand comes out and answers it and you hear:]
WIFE[w]: Honey, you have a telephone call!
Mr Treebot [t]: WHO IS IT?
W: someone from the City of HavamamiŠŠ.
T: you tell them I already paid that ticket!
W: no she says itıs about a jobŠŠ..
T: she doesnıt like her job??
W: no, about your new jobŠŠ
T: What new job??
W: from the employment agency when you filled out for unemployment last yearŠ.
T: OKAY, I talk to this person
[into the tele]
T: OkaypŠŠ.. who am I talking to?? Mrs Peters??? Hello Mrs Peters, how are your toes today?? WHAT? Whatıs sexual harassment? OH! You have a course for your employeesŠ. Donıchu worry I will study for that course and try HARDŠŠŠ so, what do you want?? I have an interview with the City of Havamami ?!?! why? OhŠ.. my unemployment ran out and I am in new WELFARE TO WORK PROGRAM??? How nice?? When?? I shall see you thenŠŠ

[ he breaks out into SONG, ³could this be opportunity?²]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

[Š.. our scene opens into a room where an interview panel sits talking among themselves, as the candidate entersŠ.]

Mrs Peters[ P]: Gee I hope these interviews donıt take so long
Mrs Rorigez[ R] :oh trulyŠ. I need to get back to my desk so I can keep waiting for my project funds. Going on nine months nowŠŠ
P: is your department out of money?
R: oh, noŠ.. they just spent the money for our new computers on painting the bosses toiletŠ. He didnıt like the old color so we painted it last week. Now weıre waiting for the state to send money for the homeless so we can buy the new computers to count the money we donıt spendŠ.
P: will they be blue??
R: no, mauveŠŠŠŠ

[the door opens, in comes the first candidate, Mr Treebot]

Mr Treebot [T] : ( in eastern/Russian Mexican accent) Hello you crazy women you!
P: please have a seat, sir. My name is Mrs Peters. Iım with your new department!
R: And I am Mrs Rorigez. Iım used to be with personnel. Now Iım with human resources. Welcome! Tell us, what do we call you?
T: you can call me anytime!
P: sir donıt try to be funnyŠ.. thatıs not allowedŠŠ.
T: SHAZBAT! OY! No! my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg TreebotŠŠmy mother, sheıs a lovely womanŠ. When she had me, she told my father, I shall have this child anytimeŠ. And thatıs what she named me. ANYTIME!
P: Mr Treebot, thank you for thatŠ.. may we start?
T: What did you have in mind you wanna start?? a race? A new thing?? Fashion perhaps??
P: NO sir, this interviewŠ..
T: well, babooshka, we can start that too, you know??
R: One more time, sir, what should we call you??
T: My wife calls me crazy.
R: Sir, we are here to interview you.
T: so, what are you waiting for?? So far, all you do is chit chat. No mas chit chat!
P: lets try this a different way, for our records sir, what is your name??
T: listen, foolish onesŠŠ I have puts my name on the paper in front of youŠ wha? You cannot read?
R: sir you being are difficultŠ.
T: NYET!! That is my brother, Difficult TreebotŠŠ my mother, as she was having him, she say,²THIS IS DIFFICULT²ŠŠ so my father named him DIFFICULT PARIS OYE SANCHO QUE PANZA STEINBERG TREEBOT. He is very handsome so I am flattered. But I am not him. I can call him for you if you like.
P: I think we should go on to the rest of the interviewŠŠ..
R: You are rightŠŠŠŠ.
P: tell us about your education, sir.
T: I was the highest student in my school. In sixth grade I was two inches taller than everyone elseŠŠŠ..
R: No sirŠ.. where did you go to school??
T: I went to school behind the tree not far from the town square in my village.
R: Did the school have a name?
T: It was the school of the immaculate buck
P: OH DEAR!
T: no, not a dear! A buck!
R: Did you graduate?
T: I graduated the sixth grade like everybody elseŠ.. after I learned the gazintasŠŠ..
P: the what??
T: the gazintas??
R: what are those?
T: two gazintas four two times, three gazintas nine three timesŠ..like thatŠŠŠ
P: did you go to high school??
T: yavole!! It was great, a lot of the wimmin folksŠŠ..
R: how long were you there ??
T: a week, when the security guy discovered me in girls locker room selling towels and massaging body lotion and they kicked me outŠŠŠ
P: Mr TreebockŠŠ.
T: NO! my name is TREEBOT! TREEBOT! Please do not make fun!
P: Mr Treebock, did you go to collegeŠŠ
T: Every Tuesday!!
R: What did you study?
T: the women at the school bar.
P: Did you get a diploma from a college??
T: Several.
R: What were they in??
T: Well, I took my roommates agriculture diploma, and his girlfriendıs law degree, in a poker gameŠ..
P: Sir, you are wasting our time.
T: Hey, YOU CALL ME, OK LADY! You ask questionŠ.. I answer questionŠ.. what is your problem?? No sex this morning??
P: Sir, this is sexual harassmentŠŠŠŠ
T: I thought it was interview, so, what did you have in mind??
R: Letıs go onŠ. shall we, Mrs PetersonŠŠŠ.
P: Okay sir, we will give you a scenario and you tell us what you do. Are you ready??
T: What is this you give me now??
R: A scenarioŠ..
T: will it hurt??
P: no, sirŠŠ we just describe something that could happen and you tell us what you would doŠŠ
T: Okay, thenŠ. Very well!
R: Well then, here goesŠ.. you are a man in a stockroom handing out eggs and tools to workers. You run out of egg. Big shot boss comes in and wants egg. Do you:
#1 ­ tell him to go buy his own egg, or #2 ­ tell him to come back later on different day when you are not here, or #3 ­ call the supervisorŠ..
T: I take all the eggs, make an big scramble for everyoneŠ Now everybody has egg.
P: now for the second questionŠŠ you are working in the hospitality table and a nice lady wants white wine but you only have red wine for connoisseursŠŠ
T: what is this condom sewer??? Why you have condoms in your sewers??
P: no sir ­ not condom sewer, its connoisseursŠ. People that like wineŠŠ
T: oh, wino!
R: lets finish the questionŠŠŠ
T: the answer is 276.
P: SIR??
T: that is your answer! Next question
P: now, this is your comprehension testŠŠ.. this is a pencil sir, and a crayon, and a penŠŠ. Now, we want you to draw a line with the pencil, a circle with the crayon, and a square with the pen. We will time you for two minutes to accomplish this testŠ.. are you ready??
T: READY TREEBOT is my cousinŠ.. please do not confuse usŠŠŠ
P: Oh Dear!
T: Are you starting with that again??
R: Mr Treebot, on a count of three you may startŠŠ.
T: wait! The pencil I do not likeŠŠ it is number 3. I use number 2Š..
R: Its OKŠ. Use that oneŠŠ.
P: 3ŠŠ2ŠŠ1ŠŠ. Start your testŠŠ..
[after 30 seconds]
T: I did your testŠŠhere it isŠŠ.. {hands the test over}
P: Letıs seeŠŠ. Oh lord! Sir, you drew a monkey on an airplaneŠŠ.
T: look, the circle is there, so is the line and the squareŠ.
R: Well, sir, that ends the interview process. We will be checking your references and other information, and evaluating your application in the next two days and shall call you if you start with a starting date. Do you have any questions?
T: Yes, how many breaks can I haveŠŠŠŠ.
P: You get a fifteen minute breaks at 10:00 am and 2:00 pm, and lunch will be from 12:30 to 1pm
T: not good enoughŠŠI need an hour in the afternoon for nap, and thirty minutes in the morning for exercise of my eyebrowsŠ. They are falling upon me in my old age, yıknow!
R: we are sorry sir, those are the breaksŠŠŠ.
P: this concludes our interview. Have a nice day, sir!
[ he walks out of the doorŠŠŠ they stayŠŠ]

[end of interview]

ACT TWO: THE FIRST DAY

[the secretary, Weeda, is sitting at her desk workingŠŠ.. the door opens and in comes mr T]

T: hello mushkins!! I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg TreebotŠŠmy mother, sheıs a lovely womanŠ. When she had me, she told my father, I shall have this child anytimeŠ. And thatıs what she named me. ANYTIME! And you too! You can call me Anytime, too, or you can call Cheecho. SO, who are you??
Weeda [w]{new yawk accent}: Iım the secretary, Weeda. Iıve been here foreverŠ. Before Christ landed on America and discovered itŠŠ.. I guess youıre the new employee, huh?
T: oh, yazaŠ.. thatıd be me okidoki!!
W: well, chico, you need to fill out all these papers for health insurance, life insurance, disaster insurance, wife insurance, the INS and IRS, the state revenue department, the four unionsŠŠ..
T: ONIONS?? Four onions?
W: no ­ unions! Plus thereıs forms for your death beneficiariesŠŠ.
T: why I got to do with dead fisheries??? Thatıs my cousinıs businessŠ I swear I had nothing to do with that. I paid my debt to society!........
W: no, no, no, no, no! death beneficiaries are the people that live after youŠŠ
T: well they can work for themselves, the lazy munyonsŠŠ. I wonıt be around anywaysŠwhyıs I gotta work for them now??
W: anyways, thereıs those, plus forms for your driver license, your company ID, your next of kinŠŠ
T: my next king?? What are you saying? I queer?? How can you tell ­ I mean, no way, crazyŠ I have no kingŠŠ..
W: no, silly, KIN is your family, like who we call if you get hurtŠŠ..
T: you call hospital!!Š.. my family gots no doctors, why you bother them??
W: probably for the moneyŠŠŠsomeone has to payŠŠ. Now, thereıs these payroll forms, security forms, drug testingŠ.
T: what drug testing?? What drug do you want me to test???
W: No, silly, its to see if youıre had any drugsŠŠ
T: hey, why you no ask me?? Why I gotta study and take this test for these drugs you want me to take??
W: we donıt want you to take drugs, sirŠŠ. Its just a blood testŠŠŠ
T: I have to study blood now, too?!?!
W: No, a nurse will collect a little blood and send it to be checked to see if youıve taken any drugsŠ..
T: I said you got no need ­ I give you the list : I take phenylalalalalalalameen, ascorbic acetyleamine, xanax, manax, tranax, chitongiluticus maximus, prenalit ammonium, vitamins B,C,D,E, and P, and ginseng patches.
W: OH MY!
T: what? You too??
W: no,no,noŠ.anyways, you take all those papers, fill them out, and report to personnel at the northern end of the second floor of the third building in the east part of the parking lotŠŠ. They will schedule you for a physical and the rest of your process. Now, you run along and weıll see you on Monday morning at 8AM. Have a nice day now, cheecho!
T: OKAY little oneŠŠ.. I shall return

[ door opens and he leavesŠ.}

ACT THREE ­ YOU WANT WHAT WHERE??

[scene opens with a telephone ringing on a deskŠ.. a hand reaches out to answer it..]

T: HOLA!! Welcome to the city of HavamamiŠ.how da hell can we help you??
PHONE VOICE [ heard on background]{PH}: (in spanglish) OYE MONINA!! What it is??!!
T: HELLO! HELLO!
PH: OYE YOU!
T: this is the City of Havamami. Can I help you??
PH: say bro, its me, whatıs the dealŠ.. did you get the stuff??
T: what stuff? Who is this? What are you talking about?
PH: say manŠ. This is me, man, the dudeŠ. You knowŠŠ last week I gave you the money for you to get the stuffŠ did you get it yet??
T: I am very sorry sir. I am new here. My name is my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg TreebotŠŠ you can call me Anytime, or you can call me crazy but my family knows me as CHEECHO. Today is my first day on the job and the receptionist is sick so today I am the humble person dedicated to the wonderful people that callŠ.
PH: hey budŠ. So jonny no longer works there??
T: who??
PH: jonny?? The blond kid that wore green boots and a red kilt to work !!
T: I do not know such a personŠ..
PH: I gave jonny $500 to get me my stuffŠŠŠ..
T: Maybe you want to talk to the boss, Mr Juanito OyayŠŠŠ possible he knows somethingŠ..
PH: NO! NOT HIM!
T: I am sorry sir I cannot help you thenŠ..
PH: what about my money??
T: if you have money you can send it to me and I shall spend that on walnuts for displaced soviet gaysŠŠ.
PH: what the hell?? No man, I want the moneyŠŠŠ.
T: of course you want the moneyŠ.. I want the money tooŠ my mother, sheıs a wanting the moneyŠ. My exwife, she take the moneyŠŠ.. my lawyer, sheıs a take the moneyŠ the IRS, it also wants the moneyŠ.. what makes you different, huh wise guy?? We all want moneyŠ. You wait in line like anyone else?? What ? you think you born with eleven toes and three balls??
PH: Iım getting pissedŠ..
T: well, go to the bathroom, man! Iıll wait for you to pissŠŠ..
PH: NO NO NO!!!! Are you nuts??
T: No, I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg Treebot. I told you that alreadyŠ..
PH: whereıs jonny??
T: how should I know?? ask his motherŠ..
PH: you think youıre funny huh??
T: no but my children doŠ.. I no understandŠ. I try to be serious and they laughŠ they say, ²poppa please donıt rap²Š.. my wife, she laugh tooŠ. In bed!! Oh my god! What can I doŠŠ??
PH: someone actually hired you! Thatıs incredibleŠ.
[sound of an incoming telephone line ringing]
T: I must put you in hold for secondŠŠŠ. [ puts the caller on holdŠ] T: HOLA! Welcome to the city of Havamami! How can we help??
[different voice on phone, female}V2: good morning!
T: good morning to you too!
V2: how are you?
T: I am fine, thank you for askingŠ.and how can I help you?
V2: that is such a great questionŠŠ.
T: Okayp, I glad you like my questionŠ now whatıs yours??
V2: my question is , where have you been all of my life??
T: I have been everywhere for many yearsŠŠ.. Vietnam, California, new york , AustraliaŠ..
V2: Are you always like this??
T: no, sometimes I sleepŠ.
V2: I mean this much funŠŠ??
T: only when awakeŠŠ
V2: Oh God!
T: please, only my wife allowed to call me thatŠ.she paid my family two dozen sheep, five goat and a GNU for the priviledgeŠŠ.. Now what do you want??
V2: I want to do whatever you likeŠŠ
T: goodŠ pass by Saturday and you help us paint the house naked so our clothes not get dirtyŠŠ..
V2: not like that Š
T: fineŠ wear your clothesŠŠ.
V2: thatıs not how I want to helpŠŠŠ
[sound of telephone buzzer]
T: I sorry, other phone call is coming inŠ.. I put you on hold for a secondŠŠ
HOLA!! This is the City of HavamamiŠ.whatıs your beef??
[third phone voice]V3: yoŠŠ
T: who??
V3: yo
T:hello??
V3: yo!
T: is there someone there??
V3: I said, YO! What, you donıt hear??
T: Of course I am hereŠŠ.where are you?
V3: I am here, tooŠ..
T: How comes I donıt see you hereŠ.
V3: listen, we got a bunch of garbage next to our houseŠ
T: so celebrate!! Lots of garbage means you have so many things you can throw some out, so you are a lucky Guido, you are!!! In my country we have garbage party to give this awayŠŠŠ.. so, when is your party??
V3: ya shmuckŠŠ. I want yaıs to pick this upŠ.
T: how nice! You are offering me to pick up these things that are too many for youŠ.
V3: no, beast of burdenŠ.. can you understand??
T: Only when my mother talksŠ..my wife mumbles too muchŠŠ.
V3: noŠ. we need a garbage truck to pass byŠ.
T: you wait one week and it always passes byŠŠ.
V3: we need this taken care of yesterdayŠŠ..
T: yesterday is over, little manŠ.. wait for next week.
V3:listen, fiend, I know the mayorŠŠ
T: you know who??
V3: the mayor!
T: mayor headache??
V3: hey wise guyŠ.. Iım going to call the mayorŠ
T: his telephone number is 222.222.2221, can I patch you in??ŠŠŠŠ.
V3: no I need a garbage truckŠ..
T: we all need somethingŠŠyou wanna buy the truck??
V3: jesusŠŠ.!!
T: no! I am not this jeezuzŠ.. I am Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg TreebotŠ my kids call me cheechoŠŠŠ
V4: who cares?
T: my momma, you sungamabitchŠŠŠ..
V4: do I have to go down there??
T: ask your mother. Ask the mayorŠ ask Jesus ChristŠŠ..
[sound of tele buzzer]
T: I got another call so please holdŠŠ. [puts him on hold]
[Scene fadesŠŠŠŠ..]

SCENE FOUR: the Handicapped Division

[the scene opens with Mr T at the the desk, as the door opens and a man limps inŠ]
T: Hello, hombreŠŠ..
DICK [D]{Jamaican accent}: heyŠ. My name is dickŠŠŠŠŠŠ.
T: hello, rickŠŠ.
D: no, its DICK
T: okay dickeyŠ..
D: no, do not talk me DICKEY!!
T: I shall call you nervous!! What do you need?
D: NEED??NEED?? NEED?? {raps}I tell ya what I needs: I need a new wife, I need a new life, I need a new car, I need a kickinı bar, I need a new face, I need a better place, I need for God to look down upon me and smile at me, and make my life brand newŠŠ
T: so ya want God to kill ya?? Can I help?
D: whereıs Weeda??
T: sheıs out sick todayŠŠ she call to say she in hospitalŠ.. something about having a babyŠ..
D: but she wasnıt pregnantŠ.
T: thatıs not my business, budŠŠŠ. How she has her children is her problem. So, whatıcha need?
D: I need an accident form. I just had an accident . I hit my leg on the mandimbulaŠŠ I feel painŠ.
T: is that all your feeling??
D: NO I feel like a nineteen year oldŠŠbut I canıt find one to cooperateŠŠ..
T: yıthink yer funny, huh, now do ya??
D: not really but my three wives doŠŠ
T: ya have three wives?? Oneıs more than enough for meŠŠŠ
D: I needs three womenŠŠŠŠ I canıt find one that will let me sleep over for more than two days at a time, so I have three so to last the weekŠŠ. Its okay, thoughŠtheyıre all cousinsŠŠ.. I guess Iım just too much man for one womanŠ..so I make the sacrifice and help the women until they finds real husbandsŠ.. but its rough cause theyıre like really big ladies with a lot of lovin and most guys cannot deal with all the smotheringŠŠ me, I was raised by my eleven aunties, three sisters and eight grandmothersŠŠ.. my granddads had lots of wives so now I have lots of granniesŠ..
T: ya talk too muchŠ. Waddya do for us here???
D: as little as I can get away withŠ..
T: No man, whatıs yer job??
D: oh, Iım the blind auctioneer for the Deaf Society.
T: you in the ³dead society²???? ya look and smell like it ,boy,you doŠŠ
D: NOT DEAD, ya dread-head!! DEAF! D! E! F!
T: You can spell, too, I seeŠŠŠŠŠŠŠ Good for yaŠŠ. Ya got past the second grade I can tellŠŠŠ
D: So give me my form, new personŠ. Say whatıs yer name??
T: my name is Anytime Albert Foster Roberto Sanchez delaCruz Steinberg TreebotŠŠŠ.
D: Holy Santa Rosa deleCastillo Conchale Madre MiaŠ.. thatıs a hell on a monikerŠ.
T: My peoples jusı call me CHEECHOŠŠ..
D: tres appropriateŠŠ
T: just donıt call me late for bedŠŠ..the wife locks the bedroom door after 9pm and doesnıt care which side Iım onŠ..
D: so welcome to the handicapped division of the city of havamamiŠŠ evıryone here has some small dilemma. We have Dagbetto who has the bad neckŠ. From fighting with roosters and the wifeŠŠ.. we had Lalalina who fell from her chair while sleeping on the job and wound up paraplegicŠ.. so she sued and won for us giving her a chair that would fall like thatŠŠ. We had El CalbitoŠŠ.. strained his arm from smoking cigarettes on the jobŠ.. he sued for being allowed to smoke and wonŠŠ so we had to hire an assistant for him because of his disability and she quit because her little hands got tired too quicklyŠ.
. T: Ainıt nothing wrong with me, partnerŠ.
D: not yet, yer too newŠŠgive it timeŠŠ.
T: OKAY, ya they tells me ya get forms 3a, 7g, 12a, c, and f, 27, 39, and 412aŠŠ
D: All that for one accident??
T: Oh no! thatıs just to make the appointment for the clerk to find the day for you to come have your thing looked at by the sickness committeeŠŠŠ they will decide if you are just a liar lookingı for days off or if it a real dealŠ.. then you gotta meet with the risk manager to see if we can afford your illness or have to fire you, the disease control specialist so you donıt spread your foreign disease, the health insurance companyıs representive to find out how places you cannot go to or doctors you cannot see, the life insurance rep to see how much to give yer family if we bury you, then meet with the controller to determine if you have sick days off, then you have to send three notarized doctors excuses to the clerk in the insurance officeŠŠ..
D: OH JESUS!
T: NO, thatıs not meŠ..its my cousinŠ..
D: I gots to do all that??
T: and before noon todayŠ.its now 11:10 AMŠ. Go hurry upŠŠ..
D: bye byeŠ..
T: Good luck to yaŠŠ.
[limping man leaves room ­ end of scene]